Putting the T into the FTM

Feb 11

2011-02-19T09:49:00.001-08:00

It has been a VERY long winter, I want spring -NOW! I've been working out, and I think it shows on my back. Otherwise life is kind of good!

December 2010

2010-12-11T04:06:00.000-08:00

Now it's been almost 3 years on T. That's really nice.

April 10

2010-04-10T11:16:00.000-07:00

So here you can see my newly shaven belly... with tape too! Sort of weird angle, so it looks like I'm flexing like hell but I'm not, really!

I need to do something about the haircut, I realised when looking at this pic.

Hysterectomy!

2010-04-10T10:52:00.000-07:00

So, its roughly three weeks since my hysterectomy which was performed with a keyhole robot called DaVinci. It has been a very nice experience actually. I spent one night at the hospital, went home at noon the day after, and haven't taken any painkillers since. So, quite a difference in pain and general wellbeing compared to friends of mine who have had the abdominal incision. Also, I only needed to stay home from work for 10 days, compared to 5-6 weeks...
The only negative aspect was that I got a bad reaction to the morphine derivates that I took right after surgery, and so I barfed like a goat the whole evening after surgery. But that complication is very common and didn't feel very horrible.

The psychological aspects of it was worse. I had lots of anxiety some days before surgery. Not that I want those organs, but I would have liked to have been able to save egg cells so I wouldn't be completely sterile. But that's illegal in Sweden today (forced sterilization - yey, back to the 1940s). So that sucked. But I know I can love any kid, its really not about genetics. I just have to let this mourning take place and then it won't be an issue (i think). In Sweden this particular surgery is required in order to get a legal recognition of the "sex change" which I highly anticipate. The F in the passport is actually kind of annoying... So all in all it was the right decision. I had a bit of a postoperative depression for about a week (I was dead tired and feeling very low), but then it turned and I've been feeling all fine since. It is a huuuuge relief seeing the finish line after several years at the mercy of various psychiatrists deciding things about my life for me. Feels great getting them out of my mind and being able to focus completely on my LIFE instead of merely surviving.

The incisions marked in black, because I didn't feel like waxing my belly that day... They stapled the incisions, which didn't close up the wounds, so they aren't the prettiest scars seen but hardly the worst.

Measurements january 10

2010-01-09T01:09:00.000-08:00

Height: 175 cm
Weight: 71 kgs (!!!)

Neck: 34 cm (-1 cm)
Chest: 92 cm (-3 cm)
Waist: 77 cm (-2 cm)
Hips: 102 cm (-4 cm)
Thigh: 57 cm (-2 cm)
Calf: 38 cm (-1 cm)
Upper arm: 31 cm (-1 cm)
Forearm: 28 cm (+/- 0)

Omg, I've shrunk. I blame the interval training I've been busting my ass with lately. FINALLY some change in the ass/thigh department. I'll keep on doing the interval stuff, but eat more (how is that possible, I wonder, I'm bottomless when it comes to food...), I really, REALLY don't want to go back to the auschwitz chic style I sported until puberty had gotten me depressed enough to develop some kind of minor eating disorder (like at age 16). Then I got kind of chubby for some years, which was not very good either (mostly because of the huge ass I developed...).

January 10

2010-01-09T00:42:00.000-08:00

Hulk edition.

A study in chests. Hair. And acne. Sexy. It's been a year since my revision so I think it's healed up good now. There's still a bit of assymmetry, but I'm not sure if it's sufficiently annoying to go through more surgery. The nipples are kind of funny, they are the same size, but due to the scarring on the right one, and the fact that they sliced up the nerves on the right side pretty good, the nipples never look equally big. The right one doesn't shrink when cold, but the left one does. And so on. That doesn't bother me very much, but the fact that the sensitivity on the right side is screwed up does. I do not like having no sensation at all on a patch of skin about 10 square centimetres around the right nipple. Well, I do feel touch, in a numb sort of way, and I do feel PAIN. The pain sensitivity is ridiculously heightened instead, so, for instance, when some kid at work tries to tickle me I have to use A LOT of self control not to scream at them... All in all, the nerve issues has gotten better with time, so I hope that it will keep on doing so.

Emotionally things are getting better, I think. Spring is coming!

November 09

2009-11-24T12:01:00.000-08:00

The changes go on, subtly. Its nice. This autumn has been a very rocky road, emotionally, but I'm working on it.

Beard

2009-10-27T15:19:00.000-07:00

The other day, a fouryearold said matter-of-factly: "you have stubble". That was nice. So here's the stubble, 1 yr 10 months on T.

the beard

2009-08-24T10:13:00.000-07:00

This is what happens when I don't shave for three days.

On another note: I need some serious change in my life.

measurements july 09

2009-08-13T11:49:00.000-07:00

Height: 175 cm
Weight: 75 kgs

Neck: 35 cm
Chest: 95 cm
Waist: 79 cm
Hips: 106 cm
Thigh: 59 cm
Calf: 39 cm
Upper arm: 32 cm
Forearm: 28 cm

july 09

2009-08-11T14:57:00.000-07:00

lo and behold, I'm back. My computer died so I was kind of crippled for almost 3 months.

Having waited almost 9 months since last surgery, I think I'd like a small revision around the right nipple. Not as much to remove the scarring, but to remove some residual fat which looks like a tiny boob (when I'm relaxed, unlike in this photo, where I stumbled on the mess in my room, and almost fell over the camera).

I seem unable to get rid of the lovehandles, I need more cardio...

Right now I am EAGERLY awaiting my custom made dick prosthetic. It should arrive by mail tomorrow.

March 09

2009-03-22T02:30:00.000-07:00

This was the month of the male cameltoe, hence the green dot in my crotch.

Here you can see my adamsapple, which was kind of large even before T. Not all of those black dots are blackheads, some are actually stubble!

Lately I've been kind of moody and irritable, I'm trying to explore that. Not like I'm depressed again, so I guess it is partly things surfacing from the days when I was too busy with mere survival, and also that nowadays I have no relay to my feelings (I mean, more than the normal social/perceptive/whatever filter needed to function), so I experience my emotions instantly, not after random lagging periods (hours/days/weeks). It's interesting, but kind of exhausting, so I'll find some way to cope with this newfound "normality" (at least I think this is how people in general do it).

Endochrinology

2009-03-04T13:33:00.000-08:00

I went to the endochrinologist yesterday. He told me that I'm very thick, ha ha, that is my cranial wall is very thick (3 cm). He was amused, so was I.

He also told me that the x-rays had revealed that I've gained 5 kgs of muscle mass, and lost 5 kgs of fat tissue over the last year.

Testosterone rocks...

February 09

2009-03-01T00:26:00.000-08:00

A good day to y'all!

Here is my chest, I tried to show off my chest hair (or, shall I say chest HAIRS, there are about three of them), but that didn't work out.

It is soon-to-be spring here, I love it. It's gonna be awesome this summer, at least I hope so. I'll go work at the same place as last summer, so I'll get to swim and canoe around the archipelago and make some money, because I've decided to save up money for a dick prothesis. I've looked around on the options and I think I'll go for one made by a swedish prosthetic technician (?). He seems to have the nicest erectile function of the models I've checked out, though it is also the most expensive one.

Thus far I've checked www.ftmprosthetics.com, http://www.tyron2.net/ and this swedish guy (who has no website yet, but his emailaddress is mikael.sundstrom (at) protesteknikinorr.se).

Ftmprosthetics I like, but the dual (which you can use both for everyday packing and sex) is always the same size, and always kind of hard. You just bend it up or down. Otherwise I think it is really nicely done, realistic and all.

Tyron2 looks nice when flaccid, but kind of weird when erect. I also don't really fancy the back holder, seems inconvenient. I think the knob that's supposed to stimulate the microdick when the prosthetic is erect is a great idea.

The swedish guy uses a similar erection mechanism as the tyron2, but not with air but some kind of silicone gel in the ballsack, in a closed system. Thats about all I know for now, but I'll fill in more.

1 yr on T comparison

2009-01-19T07:56:00.000-08:00

Less dough on the belly, heh! Also, my face has become more angular, hair is everywhere, I need to shave every 2 days, my voice has dropped 1,5 octaves but I've not lost my high frequency voice, which is kind of interesting. I'd make for an excellent yodeler or something.

My mind is all the same, I'd say, except for the depression which is gone (I'm still on medication, so I won't have a relapse - after all, I've been clinically depressed most of my life).

I'm excited to see what the coming year will bring, T-ways and other.

Jan 09

2009-01-19T07:42:00.000-08:00

So here I am, almost 2 months post op. Kind of amusing that you still can see the tanning marks around the nipples from the tape I used all summer long. There is a little excess skin around the left nipple, but I think it might tighten up. All in all - very satisfied.

Belly hair has expanded up the sternum, though the chest hair would probably not be visible in a photo just yet. But I assure you it hurt like hell when I taped the nipples a while ago, when I went swimming... Or, shall I say, when I removed the tape...

I think that my back has made an impressive change these last 12 months on T. Watching those pre-T photos is funny, because I didn't have ANY muscles on my entire back, only like string connecting bones and a little fat on them.

I've really enjoyed the change brought on by the T and the transition in general. I'm SO much more confortable and simply happier than (dare I say) ever before, which is not to say that everything is coming up roses or that all of my previous unhappiness was due to the transsexualism, but it sure has helped dealing with LIVING, not just struggling to survive.

Measurements jan 09

2009-01-19T07:38:00.000-08:00

Height: 175 cm
Weight: 75 kgs

Neck: 34 cm
Chest: 92 cm
Waist: 77 cm
Hips: 104 cm
Thigh: 59 cm
Calf: 38 cm
Upper arm: 31 cm
Forearm: 27 cm

Foot 28 cm (+1 cm since start of T)

A small decrease in ass size? Yes please.

mastectomy pics

2008-12-14T13:20:00.000-08:00

One week post surgery, with stitches right in the nipples. Good thing I have no sensation in them whatsoever...

2 weeks post surgery, removed the stitches myself. I am very pleased so far, the nipples and areolas are healing nicely and are just the right size now. I can't wait until I get to work out again!

Mastectomy part 2 - 2

2008-12-02T01:59:00.000-08:00

So! The surgery went fine, and I feel great. Almost no pain, I could sleep last night, no bleeding (I didn't even have drains!), so I was admitted home this morning. It looks great so far, and I'm excited to see what it looks like behind the tape but that will have to wait awhile.

Mastectomy part 2

2008-11-30T12:07:00.000-08:00

This is what my chest looks like today. As you can see it's pretty nice as it is, but it's also nice to get some small adjustments done. There are some mammilles left around the nipples, together with some fat, so I guess they'll remove that and maybe some skin to tighten it up. And also make the nipples and areolas somewhat smaller.

Tomorrow's the day! I hope... I was scheduled for surgery on Oct 27, but it got delayed because of some traffic injuries, and then at Nov 12 when I arrived at the hospital they coughed nervously and said "err, UNFORTUNATELY we'll have to cancel you today, because there has been a rain leakage in the OR department". HA HA HA HA. I almost died. Then the doctor explained they'd have to cancel a LOT of surgeries because of this, so I'd most likely not get a new date until January. But i did! I guess they felt a bit bad having cancelled me a total of three times before.

So. I'll post pictures when my chest is updated.

Measurements november 08

2008-11-30T11:48:00.000-08:00

Height: 175 cm
Weight: ?

Neck: 34 cm
Chest: 92 cm
Waist: 76 cm
Hips: 105 cm
Thigh: 59 cm
Calf: 38 cm
Upper arm: 31 cm
Forearm: 27 cm

Jeans size: 33"
Shirt size: M
Shoe size: 43-44/9-9,5

The biggest change thus far has been the chest (well, duh, I've cut off a pound of flesh, har har), it's wider now than it was BEFORE the mastectomy. I didn't really have very big honkers, but still... There has been some muscle buildup... (I've also gone from 40 to 60 kgs in bench press).

The hips and thighs are SLIGHTLY annoying to me. They were always the most prominent feminine feature (that is, they are very wide and also like very much to store excessive fat, which doesn't make them less prominent), and they have only changed very marginally since I've been on T. I would like them to stop that, so I've been doing more cardio, and I'll see what happens. On my last hormonal checkup I had normal T levels, but still kind of high estrogen levels, which could be impacting the bodyfat distribution. My ovaries seem persistent, but they are only temporary, I tell myself.

My physician is soon going to apply to the swedish FDA (yes, it is ridiculous) for me to have a complete legal sex change, so hopefully I'll go see the FDA (yes, it is ridiculous) in the spring for a bizarre interview where they'll assess my masculinity (or something), and THEN I can get approved for the strictly legal parts of the sex change (which is litterally a sex change, which is why I use that word, though I wouldn't generally do that), and also it allows me to rip out those internal organs I'm not very fond of, and construct male genitalia should I choose to.

So, hopefully, sometime in the spring I'll get the final surgery and the formal part of this "sex change" is over. No more going to stupid shrinks, I'll be able to get a male ID card, and so on. Living a little, without a lot of bureaucratic shit to take care of all the time. Less doctors appointments too, which will be a tremendous relief.

November, a little late

2008-11-30T11:09:00.000-08:00

Oh, see, I took the pictures but forgot to post them. Anyway.

'
It is winter here, at least we had snow for three days last week. Hence the incredibly sexy socks. I like warm socks, because unlike popular belief, I do NOT like cold. I hate it, actually. But my thermogenesis is ABSURD, so most of the time I wear like three less layers of clothes than my peers, which has rendered endless comments from people who think they're very smart by saying "oh, but aren't you freezing!?" (er, no, then I'd wear more clothes?) like they were the first to notice... I've always been like this, but on T it's at an all time high. I'm not complaining, it's very practical, unless when I'm sweating like a PIG.

This is the season of fur. In the summertime the sun bleaches my hair, but now it's all gone black again. It's interesting.

My mood has been really good lately. It is probably the first autumn without more-or-less depression EVER, so it's huge. And all this in spite of constant viral attacks from my job (which fucks up my workout routine), the usual drowzyness associated with the perpetual darkness, I might be out of a job within a month, and some other slightly cloudy horizons. I think I can handle it.

:)

Beard

2008-11-01T04:55:00.000-07:00

I have facial hair now. Well, not a beard, but I actually get stubble unless I shave 2-3 times a week. Its nice. I'm not expecting much, since none of my relatives have very virile facial hair growth.

October

2008-10-18T14:31:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm a natural blonde.

Don't have time to write now, I have to weasle myself into the heart of a girl.

september

2008-09-28T00:29:00.001-07:00

Yes, I am back to work as usual, with the kids. Otherwise I work out, read and do other neat stuff. Trying to think about the "future" but am not getting very far.

A very flattering photo.

I'll do some final surgery on the chest next month!! I'm excited. And hopefully, soon I'll get to go to the FDA (yes...) and try to be approved of a legal sex change. Would be SO nice to be done with all that legal, bureaucratic shit, once and for all.

I really like the changes in my body, and I'm really much more at peace now. It's like a huge amount of brain capacity has been released, to be used for nicer things than beeing uncomfortable with my body.

August

2008-08-15T22:20:00.000-07:00

Yes, the tan. It is very deep. The swedish west coast ROCKS!!

The scars around the nipples healed somewhat bad, they used self destructing sutures, but they didn't exactly resorb, so after a month there were still some small open wounds (for example 3 o clock at the left nipple from screen pov), so I sterilized a needle and poked around a bit, and voilá - big knots of sutures came flying out. It was extremely disgusting, and I actually LIKE poking around with sharp things in wounds. Well, anyway, I continued to wash with antiseptic and taping, and it healed after a week.

A different leg view. Lots and lots of thigh hair...

July

2008-08-15T22:07:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am very late. I have been working and have fallen in love. Anyway, this is my chest. Kinda nice!!! I have been topless all summer, except for the tape I've had on the scars.

Eh, heh heh. Bellydough.

The big M 16/6 2008

2008-06-20T05:24:00.000-07:00

Here are some pics - and I'll write more later!

Before

The day after the surgery

17/6

18/6 Some swelling and probably bruising.

5 months!

2008-06-20T03:21:00.000-07:00

Well good day to you all. As the more perceptive of you might have noticed - I have a big bandage on my chest, and YES, I finally got the mastectomy done. It got delayed - not due to the strike, but to some random accident. I like the way my tummy looks all bloated...

Hair, hair, hair!

I've been feeling kind of good lately. Nice for a change! Probably the nice weather, the season, the transition and so on. My doctor was asking whether I was having any doubts now that the physical changes are starting to emerge, but no. I've actually never had any, regarding whether this is right for me. I've only doubted that I would survive the surrounding stuff.

Measurements june 2008

2008-06-20T03:19:00.000-07:00

Actually all of them were the same as last month, except for my forearm which has grown like 1 cm (half an inch or so).

Am I a wanker?

4 months!

2008-05-17T09:33:00.000-07:00

Here I am this month. Due to excessive eating I seem to have gained some weight (looking at the measurements), but I also have gained ridiculously in the gym so some of it might be actual muscle mass.

Oh, you see, sometimes I have clothes on too. And the halfway nude one came out very blurry so I had to redo it. Here I would say that there has been some visible change (but that's just me...). I think my shoulders have become more beefcake (well, in comparison...).

Hair. Hair. Hair. It's spreading. The thigh hair is coming in really nice, and it is crawling upwards... The ass hair is imminent. As you will se in the next picture, my hobbit hair is flourishing.

I have a date with a surgeon by the way. June 5th! I am very, VERY happy but would be even more so if it were not for The Strike. I am all in favour with the nurses' demands of better (even REASONABLE) pay, and so I really hope that the strike (that has been going on since like the beginning of May) will come to a (good) solution before my surgery date, or else I'll have to wait until like November, which I do not fancy.

Measurements april/may 2008

2008-05-17T09:30:00.000-07:00

Height: 175 cm
Weight: ? (probably less than before)

Neck: 33 cm
Chest: 90 cm (+3 cm)
Waist: 77 cm (+2 cm)
Hips: 107 cm (+2 cm)
Thigh: 59 cm (+/- 0 cm)
Calf: 39 cm
Upper arm: 31 cm (+1 cm!)
Forearm: 26 cm

Jeans size: 34"
Shirt size: M
Shoe size: 43-44/9-9,5

3 months!

2008-04-21T12:37:00.001-07:00

I realise that I haven't (yet) taken any measurements, but it's coming.

I think my ass is shrinking, but its taking it's sweet time... The veins on my arm, on the other hand (the pun is SO unintended), are HUGE. I am the elite blood donor, or something.

I'm stronger, I tell you, but I'm not sure wether its visible.

Happy trail happier than ever!! Its also expanding... upwards....

Hair everywhere. The former thigh fuzz has now gained some pigmentation, and soon I'll look like THAT all over.

I am tired like hell right now. My job is kind of nice mostly, except for Nurse Ratched, who annoys the hell out of me, and I am not even a patient. Er. Sorry, CHILD.

Two months

2008-03-25T12:12:00.000-07:00

I probably have lost some weight due to my new job (day care center...), but I don't really know (or care).

My back, a self portrait and my ear.

My leg hair has sprung out. Even more. Har har. The hairs are now like an inch long, so they've doubled their length. This pic is taken in daylight, so it looks kind of pale. But it's March, so I AM pale. Like death.

I have toe hair, I'll tell ya. I am a hobbit!

The veins in my arms have kind of developed. It's not very visible here though.

Here is some clear change. The happy trail, former happy patches, is now a clear TRAIL. It's also spreading around the belly button, causing LINT. Lint, I tell you, has a straight correlation to the number of hairs around the belly button.

On the matter of emotionality:

SHIET. Something's gotta be kidding me. I almost cried watching I am Legend (which is a particularly silly movie). I almost cried several times watching scrubs. I almost cried reading the news going to work (don't remember what about - but it was something either heart warming or very tragic). I enjoy music. Well, being the nerd I am, I always enjoy music, even when I'm near dead, but... Oh, you know, that thing-ey about actually FEELING something, not only KNOWING what I think or feel.

Having started a new job and all... It's mostly very nice. Nice kids, nice co-workers. Except for one of them who is actually so mean that it GETS to me. BAAAAAAAAAAH! :( I need to sort this thing out, so I think I'll talk to my boss who seems nice and sensible. This has got to stop, or else I will get ill. Seriously.

Tomorrow I'll get my pay check! It's my first income this year so yes, I've been poor, and YES it will be GREAT to finally have money. I'll re-sign for my gym, and excercise like hell (which I haven't done for a month or so, because my membership expired and I was poor).

Hornyness - it's kind of stable at the moment!

Measurements 23/3-08

2008-03-25T12:08:00.000-07:00

Height: 175 cm
Weight: ? (probably less than before)

Neck: 33 cm
Chest: 87 cm (-1 cm)
Waist: 75 cm (-2 cm)
Hips: 105 cm (-2 cm)
Thigh: 59 cm (-1 cm)
Calf: 38 cm
Upper arm: 30 cm
Forearm: 26 cm

Jeans size: 34"
Shirt size: M
Shoe size: 43-44/9-9,5

I seem to have shrunken some.

One month

2008-02-24T05:45:00.000-08:00

So, how d'you guys like the hair?

Sorry... I've been watching Jesus Camp where the incredibly terrifying preacheress styles herself up like Dame Edna (though not as stylish), then goes out to her five-yr-old audience asking them how they like her appearance. Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha HA ha ha ha ha. Is she trying to teach them to look like - oh, the horror - transvestites? :o :O :o :O

Anyway. I have some acne on my chest, but that's got more to do with my binder than with the t. The acne on my jaw and my shoulders is brand new, though. But it's not much really, so I don't bother.

My skin has generally been greasier (which is good, because it's normally drier than Margaret Thatcher), and more rough.

I can't wait until my friggin mastectomy, which - fingers crossed - might take place before the summer - otherwise early in the autumn. I have a consult with The Big Shot Famous and Great surgeon in april, and that's all good.

Here I have put on a trendy turban, it really brings out the red in my zits. I think my back looks sliiiiightly broader than last month, but that's probably what I want to see...;D

My three hair happy trail remains - maybe with a small addition of some fuzz. Behold also the Zit From Hell

My leg hair looks less prominent in this month, but that's my unsteady hand, not the hair. It's as coarse as ever!

My hands.... I have a rash covering like my entire body, due to dry air (winter-motherfakkin-shit-season-I-hate-Sweden) and the extremely early onset of pollen, and it is annoying, itchy, painful and uncomfortable, and i SO look forward to the summer when I'll indulge in UV radiation (mmm, I love the sun) and swimming in salt water. Yes, it sounds like a skin cure from the stone age but it is VERY good, I tell you. Please don't be afraid of sunlight - just take the adequate safety measures - like not overexposing yourself and using sun screen adjusted to your skin type. This was a message from my onchologist mother and she knows what she's talking about.

As for hair, it's not a great deal of change, though I think it is slowly filling in where it was not as bushy before. It has been fuzzing up in my thighs and beyond the elbows.

As for facial hair, ha ha, it's not hair. It's down. And I don't expect much from that department, considering my mother's beard is more prominent than my father's, and my mother does not have any facial hair... But this... down has been growing more rapidly and is feeling more coarse. Yes, coarse down, can you believe it?

The sex drive has been... UP. But not in that mind consuming way it was some weeks ago, which is nice! And the growth is definately distinct! I like the feeling of that!! My thoughts on the idea of penis envy is as follows:

FUCK SIEGMUND FREUD. It is men who have pussy envy, why would the war industry otherwise spend all their time inventing tools for creating cavities and orifices in (mostly) mens' bodies?

I also resent the idea dominating our culture that womens' genitals are a negation. That they are a NOTHING, a HOLE. That's big, bad, bright, smelly bullshit.

But for myself, there's been a feeling that something's missing. Not when I was five, because then, in daycare, all that a penis was used for was urinating standing, and I could (and can) do that. But then there are other aspects of it. I would really, really, REALLY like to have the stereotypical male genitalia, with all of the functionality of it. But that's not gonna happen, so what next?

I'm not at all interested in the phalloplasty, because it is a Very invasive method with a considerable risk of side effects (and also it rules out the possibility of having surgeries with other techniques in the future), and a result with - in my view - too few advantages, compared to the risks involved.

The meta seems kind of interesting, though it produces a very small dick. But the surgery is not very invasive and does not rule out future surgery methods. And even a small dick feels nice, as I have realised over the last month, har har. But of course it is a question of whether the advantage is worth the risk - or if I can be satisfied with what I have (which is sexual sensation and function) plus a prosthesis.

Right now I would like to buy a dual from ftmprostethics.com, but it is kind of expensive and I am kind of poor (but I'm VERY good at saving money). I am very excited to see the political efforts being done by the swedish transgender organisation KIM, for making dick prosthetics a part of the public funding of every other aid for people with disabilities. Yes, swedes are VERY fortunate in this!!

It's all about how my feelings regarding the matter evolve. Will be interesting!

My appetite still SUCKS - mostly. Sometimes (most often the day after I've been working out) I can and will eat a horse (shit, that sounds so disgusting! Horse meat tastes.... a little horse, I tell you). But otherwise I could go a whole day without feeling hungry, and at my current job (I'm a temp laborer) with my current financial status (which is SHITTY) I have been eating VERY poorly, making me a not so nice person (and not feeling very well). But the job is shit and everyone else are neanderthal jerks so I don't really stand out...

Must remember to eat. Must remember to eat. Must remember to eat. If not eat - get grumpy. If not eat - get grumpy. If get grumpy - not feel well. And so on. But it's hard to eat when your belly tells you to fuck off.

What I'll do is excercise more! I really like excercise, and it makes me feel good in many ways. Partially because it very tangibly reduces all symtoms of depression, partially because it's a social activity where I get to hang out with great peope, partially because it's sheer fun.

Well. Now I need to battle bureacracy, ta ta!

Measurements 24/2 - 08

2008-02-24T05:41:00.000-08:00

I haven't changed at all, it seems from my measurements! All are exactly the same as last month.

Inner voice?

2008-02-07T07:14:00.001-08:00

That great inner tension I wrote about earlier, the one constituting itself in feeling like I was screaming inside, has also cooled down some.

I'm not as restless at the moment, and the voice has hesitantly been trying some other tunes.
Almost like it's only warming up, clearing it's throat, because at some points it has tried some
unusual sounds, kind of like it's trying to yell out of happiness.

Grease

2008-02-07T06:04:00.000-08:00

The skin on my shoulders have become ridiculously greasy. Normally my skin is drier than british humour, so this could be good.

The overwhelming hornyness has settled down some for the time being.

2 weeks

2008-02-03T14:37:00.000-08:00

My voice keeps on being raspy, and i have gotten some zits on my jaw and some on my shoulders. I hope they won't take over my face completely, I don't want to look more 14 than I already do... But it will probably not be a problem, since my endochrinologist will give me a prescription for ance treatment if it gets bad. Hopefully not the kind that is so famous for making people suicide, ha ha.

The extra emotional sensitivity remains, I have been having some surges of happiness for no particular reason, which is VERY uncommon for me. I have also been sad at times, related to certain things in my life that are bothering me.

Interestingly, my sense of smell/taste has also been more sensitive the last two weeks. Things doesn't smell or taste different - only more intense. I have been actually ENJOYING some foods, not only noticing that they have taste and texture. Which for me is a huge difference, I don't know if other people can relate. I don't know if this could be related to the hormones, or if it is a sign of my depression getting better. Either way, I like it.

Oh, btw, the hornyness

2008-01-28T00:39:00.000-08:00

The input from my pants is HUGE. There might have been some growth there, but it could also be the constant hardons making it look bigger. It's interesting, because it's really not in sync with my head, so what I really am facing is that my pants want to get it off, but my head does not want to do anything sexual. I'm not into masturbation either (no, I'm not traumatised, and yes, I know how to do...), so I guess that it's cool not really wanting to do anything about the hardons, which by the way are pretty painful sometimes. It will pass, hopefully.

1 week

2008-01-27T23:33:00.000-08:00

It took like two days for my voice to be affected. Now I think it's noticeable, but it just sounds like I have a cold. Cool, though!

My urin still smells like hell... so I guess we can attribute that to the T. Or I'm dying from kidney failure, ha.

I have been feeling very emotional all week. I have been more sensitive to both ups and downs than usual. I am still depressed, so the downs are more common than the ups... And it could all be symtoms of depression. But we'll see how it develops. Anyway It's like I have been able to react instantly and effortless to things (urges to laugh and urges to cry), which is a nice change. I'm so damn tired of feeling frozen and not being able to express feelings no matter how hard I try.

My appetite is crappy! Seriously shitty! During my worst periods of depression I usually loose weight like hell, but that's not really surprising. What's surprising is that I haven't regained my appetite after my last crash. I think that the antidepressants I take suppress my appetite some, and the ADD meds I take definetly kills the rest, so now it gets annoying. I practically need to force the food down, because if I don't eat I become a monster. Blood sugar mayhem. Ha ha. It's my sister who has the diabetes, but I become more angry and unpleasant with low glucose. This I hope will get better on T.

I have been feeling some inner tension, like restlessness SUPREME. Not aggressiveness, though. I think I need to excercise more.

For real!?

2008-01-26T00:50:00.000-08:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Sex drive. BIG TIME.

Jeeeeeez!! I'll probably go nuts.

What has it cost

2008-01-24T06:12:00.001-08:00

I have had it very easy in some ways. I had almost no negative reactions from anyone, when I came out. I have had good doctors, and been taken seriously. And I live in a country where you get treatment almost for free.

But my relationship ended, and it almost killed me. I knew that my ex would not like my transitioning, and I knew that my transition would probably make us break up. So I tried. I tried putting away the thoughts of transness, tried to be some kind of woman, because I love this person so much that I would be worth it. But I failed. I can't pretend being what I essentially am not. And my depression got worse and worse because my mind could not stand the thought of having to end the relationship in order to survive, and my mind was increasingly unhappy with knowing what was wrong with me, when I wasn't doing anything to fix it. It got to the point where I tried to kill myself because I could not pretend - but neither could I choose what to do. It felt like killing myself was the best way of solving this horrible conflict in my mind. What good would transition do if I could not be with this person? Or, on the other hand, if I could be with this person, what good would that be if it meant that I would be fundamentally ill and probably die anyway?

The pain of the breakup was so completely overwhelming, worse that almost anything I've ever felt, I could not breathe. I was already weak from other things, so it crushed me completely. And as I said. I love this incredibly beautiful person more than almost anything, which made it so hard.

I tried and I failed, and the result was devastating. My heart is broken, torn, ripped to pieces - and I hope I never ever have to make such a decision ever again. It's exactly like a fox that bites off its leg to escape a trap (the leg being the ex...). But to survive I need to do this, because I can't get on with my life as it is now. My unhappiness with my body has been increasing since childhood, peaking in puberty. My recurrent depressions probably have other causes too, but I need to remove this factor from my mind. I can't be going around feeling disconnected from my body. I also know now, that I can't be a good part of a relationship as it is now. I am disconnected from my feelings, I am tired and sad most of the time, which makes me boring, I can't focus on the present time, because I'm always escaping by letting my mind wander or by sleeping. So in a relationship I would always feel bad for not being a good partner.

I know some people are going to say that this person does not deserve my love if I can't be who I am. But that doesn't give me any comfort. And the positive things about this person are way, WAY bigger than that single expression of stupidity. You'll have to take my word for it.

I am currently recieving treatment for depression (which I have had recurrently since childhood), and I see a psychologist to sort out the other things that could be causing it. It's not like I think that everything will be rosy and perfect now that my transition has started, and that the transition is the answer to everything, I'm not stupid. Being transsexual is just one component, and it's actually easier to treat than most mental disorders. So that's what I will do.

Measurements 20/1-08

2008-01-24T05:54:00.000-08:00

Height: 175 cm
Weight: 70 kg

Neck: 33 cm
Chest: 88 cm
Waist: 77 cm
Hips: 107 cm
Thigh: 60 cm
Calf: 38 cm
Upper arm: 30 cm
Forearm: 26 cm

Jeans size: 34"
Shirt size: M
Shoe size: 43-44/9-9,5

Pre-everything

2008-01-24T05:31:00.000-08:00

So, this monday I had my first testosterone injection. It was about time, i was starting to lose hope completely. In Sweden we have this procedure of getting HRT after at least one year of weird "testing" and "counseling", which can be prologed at the will of the doctor you're talking to. The Swedish standards of care are great in some ways (I mean, we get it all for almost no money at all, how cool is that?), but is in dire need of revision i other...

Here are some pictures before. I have decided that I need a certain amount of anonymity, so I won't post facepics. I'll describe the changes there, though.

Ok, here you can see my tremendous hips. I also have some body fat that I could do without (lovehandles, anyone??), but I'll try to loose some with excercise during spring (I'll also have to lay off that chocolate and those french fries...).

And here is my tremendous ass. I thank my mother's genes for my very small breasts, but I curse her for my hips. The fat is of course my doing, but I sure hope that the t will change the tendency of putting ALL the excess fat on my butt. Seriously. When my waist was 65 cm, my ass was 110 and my THIGH was 60. Goddammit. I must be some kind of ultra aryan or something (my central european/sami heritage shows in other ways...).

Ok, my body has some nice things to it: I'm taller than most ftms (175 cm/5'9), I have kind of wide shoulders, some muscles, very big feet and hands (and nose...), and an androgyneous face.

These pics look like an autopsy or something, but I assure you I am alive and in one piece. As you can see I have a lot of leg hair already, so it will be interesting to see how it develops.

If you look closely you can see that I have a happy trail consisting of like three hairs.

Introduction

2008-01-24T04:00:00.000-08:00

In this blog I'll describe my transition from female to male in words and pictures. I'll try to not only put focus on the physical side of transition, but also on my thoughts about anything related to my transness.

I welcome you to follow me on my journey.